Through Tears

tears

This weekend was beautiful. The weather was perfect (which is subjective, of course, but I’ll stand by my claim). Sunday was the type of day that makes me want to sit outside in the sun, breathe in the fresh air, and just enjoy life.

Today was less perfect. It was a little too cool for my taste, the kind of weather that makes me unsure whether I should go outside in a t-shirt and shorts or just hide inside all day wearing warm pajamas and a robe.

According to the weather people, come Thursday (happy Thanksgiving!), we’ll be “enjoying” a low in the thirties. Ugh. And that’s pretty much the fall/winter weather where I live. Just as I start to get used to a certain range of temperature, it will drop or go up thirty degrees from one day to the next.

I feel like my life’s been like that lately. I’ll enjoy a short period during which everything seems to be going well. Life is good, until the cold front blows in, and to be honest, I haven’t been handling the cold very well.

Monday night, for instance, I was feeling rather depressed. It wasn’t anything important. In fact, I imagine that if I were to share the details of what I was struggling through with a friend, they would have gladly, if possible, traded their problems for my “problem”. Putting all that aside, I was depressed and, I’m ashamed to say, crying a good deal.

water dropI was sitting in my bathroom, feeling miserable and crying intermittently. When I was crying, all I wanted to do was stop. When I wasn’t crying, I had no idea what to do.

As I sat there, I thought of God, watching me and perhaps rather amused by how easily I cried over such little things. The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized that God doesn’t find my pain funny, no matter how insignificant the cause of it may have been. When we see someone we love in pain, is there any good reason for us to mock them for it? So how could God, whose love is infinitely greater and ultimately beyond our understanding, not care about us when we are in pain? How could He not care, even about the silly things, the small things? And how could He not feel pain, just as we feel the pain of our loved ones?

These thoughts slowly traveled through my mind. As I processed them, I felt a small degree of comfort, but I continued to cry. In fact, I think I started to cry harder.

I began to pray through my tears. I can’t really remember what I said. What I remember is that, at one point, I was no longer able to pull my thoughts together and put them into words. Rocking back and forth where I sat, I simply said, “I love you.” Then I said it again. And again. And again.

This wasn’t me saying, “God, I love you, so help me.” I think that the moment that I began to say those words, I realized something. God loves me. Nothing else matters. In that moment, it didn’t matter what was going on or why I was crying. What mattered was that I felt God’s love, and I wanted Him to know that I loved Him too.

God loves me. Nothing else matters.

It was such a simple thing, that realization. “God loves me”. But the truth is, it was not simple. It was great, profound, powerful. It was everything. It’s an idea that many, many people know, but not one that many people understand or take seriously. But maybe “understand” isn’t the right word, for who can completely understand God’s love? I know I don’t, but last night was a step toward something amazing. God loves me. Nothing else matters. That realization was something worth crying over nothing for.

I don’t know how long I sat there saying, “I love you”, but eventually I felt a peace sweep over me. I mean that quite literally. Before, there had been something raging inside, causing tears and pain and misery. Now, slowly, it began to calm down. And I felt at rest.

When I started this post, I hadn’t meant to write about all of this. To be honest, I began by talking about the weather because I had no idea what I wanted to talk about. I suppose God wanted me to share what He did for me, and I’ve written this gladly. It was a difficult night, that’s for certain, but ultimately, I’ve been blessed because of it.

On a lighter (maybe?) note, after all that transpired, I went back to reading a novel and within minutes it was making me cry. But that’s okay. A good book is worth crying over. πŸ™‚

God bless!

-christrocks

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
-Superchick

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6 thoughts on “Through Tears

  1. Wow- I know the feeling.
    Last Christmas, my paternal great-grandmother and maternal grandmother died within ten days of each other. I’m a writer, and I had wanted symbolism, so I decided (at my great-grandmother’s funeral, in fact) that snow would mean a new chapter in life.
    Well, we first heard of my grandmother’s illness while we were there for the first funeral, so my mother traveled back to be with her family. While we were on the plane a few days later, she died.
    We got the text message from my mom right as we landed (no service in the air, of course). When I looked out the little plane window, snowflakes were beginning to fall. Honestly, I had completely forgotten about the snow/new beginnings concept, but it hit me right then that there was no coincidence.
    God really does work in the hard times, and I’m glad that you shared that with us readers. It’s encouraged me to share this, and those who know me know that I have a hard time standing up and talking about various things. Thanks for doing what you do!
    Katie

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    • Thank you so much for sharing, Katie! I lost my grandfather two and a half years ago, so I can understand some of what you must have gone through. God is always at work, but perhaps it’s in the hardest times that we truly begin to see Him working in our lives.
      I was very blessed to be able to share with you guys, and I am so glad that you chose to do the same. You’ve encouraged me more than you know! πŸ™‚
      Have a happy Thanksgiving!
      Christy

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  2. This is so beautiful Christy. Your post reveals your tender, precious heart and immense love for God – and I know he absolutely adores you too. Tears have a way of making us vulnerable don’t they? And who better to be “real” with than God hey? He is so good, and his love endures forever… What better words to offer our King than “I love you…”

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    • Thank you!! I was trying to put my experience into words, hopefully well enough for people to understand some of what happened, but what you’ve said is more than I had hoped for–thank you for that! That’s so true. I just read your post on tears a few hours ago, and I couldn’t agree more! And while I am glad that God used that night’s tears for His purpose, I am looking forward to the day when He will wipe away every tear. πŸ™‚ Happy Thanksgiving!

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