This weekend was beautiful. The weather was perfect (which is subjective, of course, but I’ll stand by my claim). Sunday was the type of day that makes me want to sit outside in the sun, breathe in the fresh air, and just enjoy life.
Today was less perfect. It was a little too cool for my taste, the kind of weather that makes me unsure whether I should go outside in a t-shirt and shorts or just hide inside all day wearing warm pajamas and a robe.
According to the weather people, come Thursday (happy Thanksgiving!), we’ll be “enjoying” a low in the thirties. Ugh. And that’s pretty much the fall/winter weather where I live. Just as I start to get used to a certain range of temperature, it will drop or go up thirty degrees from one day to the next.
I feel like my life’s been like that lately. I’ll enjoy a short period during which everything seems to be going well. Life is good, until the cold front blows in, and to be honest, I haven’t been handling the cold very well.
Monday night, for instance, I was feeling rather depressed. It wasn’t anything important. In fact, I imagine that if I were to share the details of what I was struggling through with a friend, they would have gladly, if possible, traded their problems for my “problem”. Putting all that aside, I was depressed and, I’m ashamed to say, crying a good deal.
As I sat there, I thought of God, watching me and perhaps rather amused by how easily I cried over such little things. The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized that God doesn’t find my pain funny, no matter how insignificant the cause of it may have been. When we see someone we love in pain, is there any good reason for us to mock them for it? So how could God, whose love is infinitely greater and ultimately beyond our understand, not care about us when we are in pain? How could He not care, even about the silly things, the small things? And how could He not feel pain, just as we feel the pain of our loved ones?
These thoughts slowly traveled through my mind. As I processed them, I felt a small degree of comfort, but I continued to cry. In fact, I think I started to cry harder.
I began to pray through my tears. I can’t really remember what I said. What I remember is that, at one point, I was no longer able to pull my thoughts together and put them into words. Rocking back and forth where I sat, I simply said, “I love you.” Then I said it again. And again. And again.
This wasn’t me saying, “God, I love you, so help me.” I think that the moment that I began to say those words, I realized something. God loves me. Nothing else matters. In that moment, it didn’t matter what was going on or why I was crying. What mattered was that I felt God’s love, and I wanted Him to know that I loved Him too.
God loves me. Nothing else matters.
It was such a simple thing, that realization. “God loves me”. But the truth is, it was not simple. It was great, profound, powerful. It was everything. It’s an idea that many, many people know, but not one that many people understand or take seriously. But maybe “understand” isn’t the right word, for who can completely understand God’s love? I know I don’t, but last night was a step toward something amazing. God loves me. Nothing else matters. That realization was something worth crying over nothing for.
I don’t know how long I sat there saying, “I love you”, but eventually I felt a peace sweep over me. I mean that quite literally. Before, there had been something raging inside, causing tears and pain and misery. Now, slowly, it began to calm down. And I felt at rest.
When I started this post, I hadn’t meant to write about all of this. To be honest, I began by talking about the weather because I had no idea what I wanted to talk about. I suppose God wanted me to share what He did for me, and I’ve written this gladly. It was a difficult night, that’s for certain, but ultimately, I’ve been blessed because of it.
On a lighter (maybe?) note, after all that transpired, I went back to reading a novel and within minutes it was making me cry. But that’s okay. A good book is worth crying over. :)
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain